Saturday, March 30, 2013


I have come to believe that women over 50 are more trouble than they are worth.
They get so bone headed and stubborn that dealing with them can be very frustrating.
Take my own lovely bride of 45 years, blonde hair, blue eyes, large chest, and generally pretty loveable, at least until she hit that terrible number, five zero.

Now she is no dummy, Masters Degree , 30 years in the classroom, and a top of the line educator. And she grew up poor on a small farm with animals and a large garden, so she has a practical side as well.
But this seems to have faded with age. 

 An example- - -

Being on dialysis we have to do a lot of medical oriented crap in our clean room. This involves cutting gauze, under-layments and materials for a bleach soak. So I keep a good pair Fiskar Scissors on the shelf near where this takes place.
We also have to open a lot of boxes sealed with clear shipping tape, we use 50 boxes of supplies a month. To open these I keep a nice Gerber  knife near the stack of boxes.
So what does she do to open the boxes, she snags the scissors off the shelf across the room. Two or three boxes and there is a nice sticky film on the scissors and they won’t cut shit !

I ask why she does not use the knife, but she says she can never find it. This is bull because it always sits in the same spot.  So I see her get ready to open some boxes. As she moves toward the scissors, I lead her by the hand to the knife. And the “rest of the story” comes out. She does not know how to open the knife. Now knives are something I am real anal about, and this Gerber has had the pivot points smoothed, and I keep it lubed so it will almost fall open. You can easily open it with one hand like all my folders.  So I show her how to open it and she dutifully uses it until the next day when I see her head for the scissors again.  What now my love?  “ I don’t know how to close it”.
Why could you not say this months ago and save me the frustration ?
I am counting the days waiting for a relapse !

Another example- - -

We live in lower (slower) Calvert County and much of our business is across the bridge in St Marys.
Easy peasy, come down Truman Road to the Giant, turn right (on red), proceed to Route 2/4 and wait for the light. Jump on to route 2/4 and it is a straight shot to the bridge.
Not my lovely bride, she waits for the light, and proceeds straight to the traffic circle where you most often have to stop, and people are prone to blast into the circle from the County Connector which you cannot see headed southbound. Then down to Dowell Road and another stop sign. Through that to the stop sign by CVS, and finally to the red light there where you almost always have to stop.
And finally across the bridge.

 I ask why she does it and she explains that it is hard to merge back at Rousby Hall Road.  That is why I bought her “hup mobile” with the largest available engine (260HP) so she could merge at will, it is quick and will pin you to your seat.
So being a reasonable guy I buy that, fine you don’t like to merge. So why in the hell do you retrace your route coming back from St Marys when you are already established on route 2/4 ? ? ?

Then she has the nerve to ask me why she needs brake pads so often!

One more example - - -

Being on dialysis I have to wear an elastic belt to corral the tube coming out of my stomach so it does not get tangled up with my pecker .  I have six and I keep them neatly rolled up and stored on the shelves with my other dialysis supplies.  I have to wear one into the shower to control my catheter.
I give the one I am wearing a good scrub with anti bacterial soap and rinse it off good. Every couple swaps they go in the laundry.

So here I am headed to physical therapy (rotator cuff), running late, wifey is off doing wifey stuff, hop out of the shower, and reach for my bag of belts.  Of course they are gone, my lovely bride has decided on a better place to store them, but has not bothered to tell me about it.
So here I am with a wet catheter belt searching like a madman to try to make my appointment.

Why can’t you just leave my fucking shit alone ?????

Saturday, March 9, 2013

The latest from Capt Mike

On my last flight,the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells us at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises us to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.” All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up.

I yelled out “Don’t forget the coffee!”